Going rafting down the Cataract Canyon & Green river was a such a great trip for me personallly. MP has been inviting me to go for several years and I finally said yes. Having a guided and pre-planned trip on my calendar felt great. All I needed to do was show up and have fun :) – easy-peasy.
It took a couple days to settle into the routine but once I was able to let my mind release. It was a big group of strangers almost all of whom were there to spend time with the author Zac Podmore. It wasn’t exactly why I was there but I did enjoy learning.
Recounting the day-by-day happenings is in my journal and not worth repeating here but one thing I will not forget is that I was around a lot of palpable joy. So much laughing, big smiles, friends who support each other and clearly love what they do and who they do it with. I could feel connection and big friendships missing in my life but that didn’t mean that I was resentful of what I saw or felt despressed about returning to real life.
Being around it was like a warm blanket. I don’t have the words anymore to explain it but it was a huge part of why I loved the trip so much. Being able to absorb that big hug of human connection through osmosis.
People make choices to live the lives they want and I am making mine. One thing I’ll return to is that
I am coming to grips that sobriety is changing the way I interact with the world.
Less than a week later I was in the Bob Marshall doing the Chinese Wall loop.
I was a little nervous about it for obvious reasons but I came back from the river knowing that I’m only here for a little while and I need to make meaningful choices. For better or worse it is just me and waiting for the ‘right’ time to do things is fucking stupid.
Solo trips will always carry greater risks but that is a conscious choice.
If I don't come back I went out doing what I love.
I am coming up on 150 days sober and after the two month it hasn’t felt that hard staying sober. Some days are worse than others. However, I went to a few public events recently and boy did I feel different. First was a fundraiser for the Missoula Avalanche center which I go to every year for the auction and to get some hype for skiing. When I got there I immediately noticed two things. First, everyone was drinking, I am sure that wasn’t actually the case but boy did I feel it. Second, nearly every single auction item has some kind of alcohol in it. Lastly, there was no N/A beer option.
I was looking forward to getting out and being around people but if I didn’t have to stick around for the raffle I would have left after getting some food. This was the first time I’ve noticed that kind of reaction to not drinking in public.
I thought I had gotten past that but perhaps it is just easier to feel comfortable staying sober if I am staying home.
The next one was the post-race event at 11 Miles To Paradise. At least there were N/A options available but I still felt very uncomfortable being around that much alcohol and drinking. This was crytalized on the ride home when one of the busses (not mine) had several coolers of free beer. I don’t know if they really did get drunk on the way back to Missoula but the ‘hell ya!’ vibe of free beer was not fun to be around.
Going to OddPitch and having a drink or two waiting for my food doesn’t feel like that.
I am not sure what to make of this for now.
The first attempt to remove this shitty wood platform deck was thwarted by realizing that the terrace walls were not well built and likely needed to be replaced or rebuilt soon(ish). It did not make a lot of sense to sink thousands of dollars into a nice new patio if it was going to be ripped out when the walls were redone. In the end I had folks come out and just fill the dirt area in with river rock. Not a bad comprise, it feels a lot nicer that the platform, I’m less likely to die stepping down when it freezes and it cost a shit ton less money.
Nice to have one big house project done this year. I still need to work on replacing the wood steps but that seems a lot easier once I get a few under my belt.
There is a lot of peace in my life but not much joy.